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Q: My partner and I have a nine-month-old and our sex life is virtually non-existent. any recommendations for how to get us back on track?
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Baby on BoardHere’s what to really expect when you’re expecting.

Illustration of two paper dolls holding hands. The female doll has a cutout of a baby in her belly.

• Expect that early, not-quite-a-bump stage to be as physically bothersome as growing out your bangs.
• Expect to feel, um, horny (when you’re not nauseated) until month 7.
• Expect to go into labour when you least expect it.
• Expect your contractions to feel sort of like period cramps—except times a million.
• Expect to, at least, sneak a peek at the head crowning, even if you really don’t want to.
• Expect that the placenta will amaze and shock—it’s dinner-plate-size and purple-blue!
• Expect to still look pregnant right after you give birth.
• Expect your newborn to look cute but also kinda like Cabbage Patch Kid whose head has been put in a panini press. Seriously.
• Expect nursing to make you deadly hungry.
• Expect to be way more tired during the first six months than you ever could have expected.
• Expect to lose 15 to 25 infant socks in the first year.

Lezlie Lowe has two jobs: 1) freelance writer/broadcaster/researcher, and 2) mother of two young girls.